Pizza Time

As the official organ of the Sad Puppies Revolutionary Vanguard Party, we will periodically publish transcripts of Inner Circle meetings.

The following is from the 1/13/15 meeting. Present were Leader Prime, the Supreme Commissar and the Secretary of Latino Relations.

Leader Prime: I call this meeting to order. Tonight's business is our 2015 Hugo sla--

Supreme Commissar: Pardon, Supreme Leader, but shouldn't we begin this meeting with a prayer to Our Lord Heinlein?

LP: Ah yes. Of course. How silly of me.

SC: Oh Great Heinlein, hallow us with your wisdom and guide us through the troublesome times in which we struggle. Help us to crush our enemies and subjugate their women, and grant us the grace to show them no mercy. Amen.

LP: Amen.

Secretary of Latino Relations: Amen.

LP: Before we begin, want to order pizza?

SLR: Sounds good to me.

SC: I do not object.

LP: Think one will do, or should we get two?

SLR:  Make it two mediums.

LP: And what should we get on it? Pepperoni.

SLR: It's not pizza without pepperoni.

SC: Of course. We should always consume pork products at these meetings, that way we can be sure that none of us has been replaced by an ISIS agent.

LP: Yes ... I can see how that would be a fear.

SC: And beef topping! We can never be too sure about the Hindus either. They've been quiescent since 1857, but that doesn't mean they won't rise up again some day.

LP: Okay, pepperoni, beef and tomatoes.

SC: What? Tomatoes! Blasphemy!

SLR: Not a fan either.

LP: What? We're already getting tomato sauce, what's wrong with actual tomatoes.

SLR: Don't like the texture.

SC: Vegetables on a pizza is sacrilege!

SLR: Technically they're fruits. Kinda like how you're an Indian and I'm a Latino.

SC: Fruit or vegetable is an arbitrary distinction. What's important is that we do not permit any plant matter above the cheese layer. Segregation is very important. Once you allow tomatoes on top, next it'll be onions and pineapples, and then corn and arugula. And once they outnumber the meats, that's when they'll strike. A short but bloody uprising, and suddenly you're eating a vegetarian pizza. And once you're infected with vegetarianism, it's only a hop skip and a jump until you turn into John Scalzi, and we cannot permit that.

LP: Okay, so just pepperoni and beef. What type of crust?

SC: What do you mean, "What type of crust"?

LP: What do you mean what do I mean, "What type of crust"?

SC: There is only one permissible kind -- thin but not to the point of being crackery.

SLR: I kinda like Sicilian style.

SC: That's not pizza, you prattling jackanape! That's quiche. Are you sure you're Portuguese and not French?

SLR: Pretty sure.

LP: Okay, okay, let's take a short recess, I'll go and order, then we can get down to business.

Later

Leader Prime: Now that we've got that out of the way, let's get down to business. Who should we put on the slate this year?

Secretary of Latino Relations: Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!

LP: Yes?

SLR: I wrote a book last year.

LP: Yes, but the thing is, if we put you on the slate again this year, some people might think this is all a marketing ploy.

SLR: Oh yeah, good point. We should do someone else. Maybe Kevin J. Anderson, he's good. I remember his Jedi Academy trilogy was really kick ass. I kinda wish they were making that as the new Star Wars series.

LP: Yeah, he's awesome. I love what he and Brian Herbert have done with the Dune series, taking those long, ponderous old novels full of politics and turning them into big action epics. The last one, it's like whoa -- why isn't Michael Bay turning this into a movie?

SLR: Oh, that's a great idea, we can nominate Michael Bay for the new Transformers movie.

Supreme Commissar: Michael Bay is ideologically unacceptable. Pearl Harbor has an overly sympathetic portrayal of Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

LP: True, good point.

SLR: Yeah, I guess. Plus they didn't have Shia LaBeouf in the new movie, so it kinda sucked.

LP: Anyway, we're all agreed upon Kevin J. Anderson?

SC: Yes, he is acceptable.

LP: Good, good, good. Now, my suggestion, we want to rebrand our movement as populist, so it'd be a good idea to grab onto a popular writer who just doesn't get Hugo recognition.

SLR: Thomas Pynchon?

LP: ...

SC: ...

SLR: Not Pynchon?

LP: I don't think he had a book last year.

SLR: Oh yeah, that's right. I guess we can scratch Bret Easton Ellis too.

LP: I was thinking, Jim Butcher.

SLR: Oh yeah, I hear he's good.

SC: He would be acceptable.

LP: Who else should we suggest?

SLR: I was thinking, maybe Sarah Hoyt.

LP: Ooo, that is a good one. She's Portuguese, that's pretty much Latino, right? We put her on the slate, our opponents can't call us racist.

SC: I would be willing to accept her for strategic purposes.

Doorbell rings

LP: Pizza's here. Wanna call it a night? We can discuss the rest of the slate later.

SC: I do not object.

SLR: Mmm, pizza's yummy. Yay!